Two lawyers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches etc.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor,
"Not now," answered the lawyer. "I have something after the police have left."
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Two men walked into a bar late one afternoon and noticed that, among the few customers, there was one man sitting quietly on his own in the shadows at the end of the bar.
The two ordered a beer each and the barman brought them and said "that will be 50p, please". They started a tab and, a short time later, ordered two more beers. Again they were charged a total of 50p. The two could not believe the good deal and, after having a third beer each they asked the barman what he catch was.
The barman replied, "there's no catch. I've just started brewing the beer on the premises and I'm selling it below cost for a while to introduce it to my customers. I'm happy that you are enjoying it."
Indeed, the two men noticed that almost everyone was enjoying the beer at such a remarkable price but they noticed that the lonesome man at the other end of the bar was not one of them. He had not ordered anything since they had arrived. Becoming curious, they asked the barman, "Doesn't he ever order anything?"
"Oh, yes" said the barman. "He's our lawyer. He's just waiting for happy hour."
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After successfully completing his Legal Practice Course and Training Contract, this brave young Solicitor opened his own Legal Practice.
On the first day at the office he was sat at his desk, twiddling his thumbs, worrying about how his career would take off and so pay all the bills.
His secretary stepped into his room and announced "There is a Mr Smith to see you".
While this is going on, one lawyer jams something in the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "what is it?" to which the first lawyer replies, "it's that £50 I owe you."
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A doctor and a lawyer had an accident on a small country road.
The lawyer had assumed that nobody else would be on he road and had raced through a "Stop" sign at a junction.
The doctor, or the other road, had no time to react and couldn't have avoided the accident in any way.
Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.
The lawyer, upon seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.
The doctor gratefully accepted and took a deep swig from the flask, then handed it back to the lawyer.
The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two and then gave it to the doctor again.
The doctor took another deep swig and again handed it back to the lawyer who closed it and put it away.
He replied with glee , "Show him in".
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Two solicitors were in partnership and ran a busy, thriving, practice. Indeed, they were so busy that they rarely had time even to say hello to each other as they passed in the corridor. They decided that they should schedule lunch together in order to catch up.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet compartment and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the Ticket Inspector comes around. He knocks on the toilet door and says "Ticket, please".
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The Ticket Inspector takes the ticket and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see", answers an engineer.
When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a toilet compartment and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves their toilet compartment and walks to the compartment where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says "Ticket, please."
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So there was this engineer who was tragically hit by a bus and killed instantly. He had lead a good life, but for some reason he found himself, rather than at the pearly gates, in the Other Place. Not one to complain, he shrugged and submitted himself to the tortures and other indignities common in Hell.
Soon after he arrived, there was a problem with one of the many furnaces. The engineer was happy to help out (he volunteered as he wanted a challenge) and before long it was up and running again.
This brought him to the attention of one of the senior demons that then had him working all over Hell fixing the torture devices, working out the kinks in the plumbing system, installing digital controls to the flame throwers . . . you name it.
Pretty soon word reached Satan that Hell had a great new addition to the team. The engineer then got taken under the Boss' wing (so to speak) as he planned and oversaw the creation of a giant new computer network. Pretty soon, word of all these improvements reached Heaven.
God was pretty upset about all this, and he had St. Peter look into the details. It turned out it had been down to a computer error that the engineer had ended up in hell; he had been destined for one of the mid levels of Heaven. So God called Satan up and told him he wanted the engineer back.
"Nothing doing," said Satan, "You sent him down here, and we're keeping him!"
"What?" sputtered God, "You get him up here right now! That's a direct Order!"
"Listen pal, I don't take orders from you any more. Remember that 'rule in hell' agreement?"
God was beside himself. "If you don't send that engineer up here right now, I'll . . . I'll sue you!"
"Oh, sure!" Satan shot back gleefully. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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An architect, an artist and a lawyer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed spending time with his wife building a firm foundation for their relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and the mystery he found there.
The lawyer said "I like both".
"Both?" said the other two.
"Yes" said the lawyer. "If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are with the other and you can go to the office and get some work done."
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On his first day, feeling that he had rather "arrived", he picked up the 'phone and dialled the canteen and shouted into the 'phone "get me some coffee, quick"!
A voice on the other end of the 'phone responded "you fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Partner, you fool"! The voice shouted back.
The trainee did some quick thinking and asked forcefully, "And do you know who YOU are speaking to, you fool?"
"No" replied the managing Partner.
"Good" said the trainee - and hung up.
